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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I think once we get past the restraining orders, court dates, and the stalking charges we can really make this relationship work.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
My number was 0...
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window