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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?