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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.