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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.