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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5