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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.