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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.