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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face