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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?