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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.