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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .