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Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.