Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!