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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Sex, do it for the kids.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.