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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.