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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.