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Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.