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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.