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I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.