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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day