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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Does "who cares" count as advice?
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Me and my recliner...we go way back.