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Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.