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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.