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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.