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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.