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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
So can we just skip to summer now?
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.