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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.