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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?