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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.