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I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.