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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.