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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun