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Most problems can be solved with nudity
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...