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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.