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A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.