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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.