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At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?