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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.