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Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.