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real eyes realize real lies
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.