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Running on two hours of sleep Iām either way too happy or violently homicidal.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.