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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.