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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.