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To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.