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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iām so glad Iām not a crazy person.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.