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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2