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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.