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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.