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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?