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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.