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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.